Letter to the past

 Past,

I stand today gift in hand, the present, eager for all the infinite possibilities within reach. Besides fear, the common and inevitable inhibitor, I'm crippled by what I left entrusted to you, with hopes that time would heal old wounds.

Out of the closet, my past self, my past mistakes, and the trail of broken hearts I left behind, while evolving to who I am now, have continued to haunt me. I see them in a stranger's eye, a familiar scent and even old places I once visited.

Despite the 'new me', I feel chained by my old name as if my deeds marked my whole being. "Traitor! Liar! Phonicator! Thief! Lazy! Greedy! Murderer! Drunkard!" The voices in my mind chanted in between its walls. 

Had I not been freed?

"I am new!" "I am new!" I had to repeat to my self amidst the accusations and pointed fingers.

My audience grew larger as the hearts I'd broken stepped out of the shadows. Ones I'd back stabbed, framed, lied to, manipulated, abandoned and neglected coming into focus. They in turn housed victims from my bloodline of hurt and I saw them too.

My heart dropped, what was I to say? 'I didn't know better?' Well fair enough but what of the other times I did know better and still fell out? How could I justify that? 

With vengeance in their eyes and forgiveness not in question ,"We know you, remember traitor ?" echoed in the room "or should we go on to jog your memory?" They continued.

..."Do you know why you have a hard time believing a gay girl *(in context; could be any hold you feel impossible) can become a completely different creature? Because, we have a hard time believing God. The Pharisees saw the man born blind*, heard his testimony, heard about his past and how it was completely different from the present and refused to believe the miracle because of Who the miracle pointed to. They were skeptical because they didn't have a real faith in the God who'd done it. It was less about the blind man and more about a good God, his power and ability to do what he wants, how he wants, when he wants to whomever he chooses."...

My past replayed in my mind with a still voice saying, " Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe."

Falling to my knees, hands raised, face turned upward stained with tears, this time tears of joy, only to be graced with more. My accusers went still...

*Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world , that we should be holy and blameless before him ....... In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace..

.....

Additional info (*) - in order of appearance 

~Extract from Jackie Hill Perry's Gay girl good God~ 

~John 9:1-12~ The man born blind 

~John 20:27~ Jesus and Thomas

~Ephesians 1:3-8~ Spiritual blessings in Christ

You've come to the end of this post. Thank you so much for reading. Before you explore the previous posts🤭 or sign off I'd like to wish you a Happy new year as this is my first post of 2021.💃🥳 I'm part excited and part nervous about this year but one day at a time, shall we?

Lastly...

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Until next time✌🏾