Freedom Hymn

I'm constantly moved by words,
How intricately they present a push and pull between syllables and emotion.
I'm such a lover of literature and stories in their depth, vulnerability and humour.
I'm equally in awe of the power they carry in intent and expression.

I penned down words, a freedom hymn, telling of a place beyond my fears. 

Crossing the peaks and depths in which I fear loss, loving, longing and loneliness.
I sit still in the confrontation with these words staring back wondering how freedom could be painted by everything that it's not , even synonymously.

I'm reminded of the bliss I felt when I was reassured that I was loved. 
And I'm yanked to the pulsing feeling of betrayal almost at the absence of this expression as I wonder if it really was love.
I try to tell you of love and I tell of its absence, wallowing in times past and the rising fear of loss with each new hello.
Loving can be so scary as you dare to love whole heatedly, putting yourself at another's mercy with hopes that they'd do the same.
If you ask me, those are everyday acts of bravery.
In a subtle tune freedom rings.

I travel to a place were late describes a state of life of one so dear and how consequently with tear stained eyes I wrestled with God.

'How dare He', I hissed with a ringing why on all counts.

Oh how often the memory of his goodness, faithfulness, his grace and love with a perfect track record amounts to nothing in my hurt.
How often I forget and come undone.
In a mother's voice in prayer as if in response I'm brought to more tears by the words she speaks.
"Lord help us not to sin against you when we ask why because we do not understand", she pleads.
I struggle to hear the melody but still freedom sounds.

I'm grateful for the seasons changing, times past and memories made.
I'm grateful for becoming and being seen as I am.
I'm grateful for love and the opportunity to love.
I'm grateful for honest expression.
I'm grateful for life, an unmerited gift in it's entirety.
But what of the not so great moments that still demand my praise?
In loss ?  
In grief ?
In pain ?

In failure ?

"Rejoice always, pray continually give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
             1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I'm still struggling here, I'm still learning to lift my frail arms in thanksgiving in all circumstances, to pray irregardless of the dynamics around me and to rejoice even in suffering.
With passing time I'm learning it's not in an attempt to forego how I feel but an acknowledgement of his sustenance for me through it. 

Freedom hymn.

I can be undone, I can love fully,  be vulnerable, I can be honest,  ask questions though sometimes no answer in words I perceive, in the silence too He moves and speaks.

Freedom hymn.

Surely only grace can allow you rejoice always, give thanks in all circumstances and to pray continually.
My freedom hymn sounds on the other side of fear and at the brink of faith.

Tribute

"You know there is one place where all the people with the greatest potential are gathered. One place. And that's the graveyard.
People ask me all the time, ' What kind of stories do you want to tell ? ', and I say exume those bodies, exume those stories."
                   - Viola Davis -

Here's to stories that exalt ordinary people and celebrate a life lived.

To Nathan,

A son, brother, friend and gee as he loved to say,
You were an epitome of such care, sociability, humour, characterized by faith, Oh how you loved your God, and on goes the list.
You were one heck of a story teller, my partner in goofiness. You had a way of just making people feel like they belonged, you did for me.
My words are failing but in the best way I know how with scribbles and brush strokes filled with colour I acknowledge my imperfect rendering of you in the piece below. 

 I could never fully and precisely capture the depth of who you were and how the lives you touched saw you.

I mourn still but I'm trying oh God I am trying with less crying and more fondness in memory of the little and the not so little moments of your life.
You are missed, you are remembered, you are loved still.
Until we meet again, I am grateful.

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father
There is no shadow of turning with Thee
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide,
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine with 10, 000 beside.

Until next time,
Wana.