365 days

 Yes you will rise from the ashes but the burning comes first.

For this part darling you must be brave."

- Kalen Dion -

"How will I tell my mother and my sister?"

Alot has changed, nothing is the same,

365 days.

I have always been quite the cleaner, dust to my broom and under the rug it goes.

It takes me back to my early childhood when I just couldn't get around to finishing my supper.

 I have been seated at the dinning room table for a couple of hours now. 

Heavy eyed, taking in a recurring booming voice in monologue reading out the headlines in another room as I continually will my self to eat but to no avail.

Looking left, right, back and forward, no one in sight.

Off my plate and under the table rug my food goes.

All smiles as I present my "clean" plate to my parents. I

finally time to sleep.

"Wanangwa!"

It's crack of dawn.

...........

It had been a whirlwind of anticipation met with excitement. The count down to finally seeing this familiar face in a new light. No more video calls spanning through time difference. Finally here with me.

Hand in hand we went,

And I lost all my sense of decisiveness in picking out what I needed in the grocery store.

Hand in hand we went,

A lunch date, movie and car ride back already missing you.

Hand in hand we went,

Firmer this time as you proudly introduced me to your pals.

22.02.22 I giggled like a school girl in a dorm room. I couldn't sleep. I had to tell everyone that you were mine... Officially.

...........

No longer hand in hand,
Contact dwindled.
But you work so it's likely just me.
I'm anxious about where this is going,
I wonder do you see me?

Maybe I did not make you see me.
Maybe I fault myself far too often for shortcomings that are not my own.

I guess we're through.

"How will I tell my mother and sister?" you say from the other end of the line.

'I thought it was you I was with?' I scoff at myself.

Oh but darling you must be brave to love.
................

I saw you in a video recently and I no longer feel sad, angry or any longing.
Instead I saw an emptiness trailing a familiar face of someone I used to know.

Sorrow is inevitable little heart.
But some days it hurts a little bit less.
Some days you look back and smile.

You told me of the 'three stages of Wana' - excitement to exploit an idea, doubt of my capability and finally coming out with beautiful pieces. You sure were my hype man and oh how I loved to see using your eyes.

Our first video call, me impulsively clicking call and that was the beginning of being part of little moments of your day as you were in mine.

Thank you for bringing out a version of me that loved me too.
Thank you for holding out space for me.
Thank you for listening to my spurts of ideas and consequent trials.
Thank you for loving me and reminding me that the 'first love' kind of love is not far gone.
Thank you for what I may have missed. 
Thank you and goodbye.

.......

To mourn is not to lack gratitude for the love that never left.

I hope you give yourself grace.

I hope you give yourself space to feel what you must.

I hope you find the courage to finally take out the dusty rug and confront the pile of dirt it leaves behind.

I am not where I was, 
Neither will you,
365 days.

"Wonder" - watercolor on A4 available for purchase.

Until next time

Love,

Wanangwa.